Nov 25, 2006

Sweet Hostage

I am a prisoner to my own desires. Sometimes this bothers me. It feels like I'm shackled to a corpse and can't break free. At others, I find revelling in my own twisted fantasies to be absolutely wonderful...

All morning I've been entertaining a memory that I would like to see happen again. It was from 1997/1998 when I tried my hand at being Dominant. Normally, I find that being submissive feels far more "natural" to me and it was very difficult to play the other side of the fence... but there were aspects of it that I found delicious.

I love to push buttons; to get reactions. The best way I found to do this was just to unlock my mind and allow me to speak to the dark dreams that had (and have) lingered in those unspeakable recesses. It felt like I was channelling something far greater than myself. The words would come out of my mouth and often leave me dumbfounded. "Where did I think of that? How did that thought get in there?" Not that I wasn't sincere about everything... I was.... I just didn't realize how deep the well was until I started dredging.

Even if I wasn't entirely serious -- I often would say thing just to get a reaction -- I was sincere. How I loved to just flow and hit upon something that my partner might not have ever thought about but that sent shivers down her spine. Or, better yet... something that would make her muscles clench around my fingers as I had them buried knuckle deep in her pussy. I found this to be the most fun -- having her over my knees with my fingers in her pussy while saying all of the nasty things I was going to do to her, or make her do to me.

My first submissive really got off easily with me. Most of them do. I'm not one of these guys who mistakes Domination for "oral sex on demand." I find it to be more of a mental process than even a physical one. Sure... I was very physical with them but I often didn't put myself in that vulnerable position of allowing them to be physical with me. This might be considered silly but I found that distance a good way to frustrate them. Too, I was having fun making their bodies and minds react.

In my history of D/s, I can only say that I've had a handful of people 'serve' me. Only two of them for any long term. And, even then, I've switched with them over the years. I'm looking for a third -- a new submissive who I can use and abuse (which is what they want). I don't feel that switching makes me any less of a submissive. If anything, it gives me a greater perspective on how it feels to be on the other end of the whip. I feel that my times as a Dom have opened my eyes to the challenge of being a Dominant and, for that reason, makes me a better sub.

Moreover... I think that having that outlet is healthy. As I said, I had a lot of thoughts stored in my head that I didn't know were even there. It seems that when I want to take control of my life that I want to take control of others. I often feel like things are out of my control... and that seems to help. Will I find this person? Will I even look? Good questions, bat fans.

1 comment:

Mistress Blanca Sole said...

I agree, especially about the distance. Most times it is a must. If you have their mind, the body will follow.